This Week In Maldives: November 6

Filed in This Week In Maldives by on November 7, 2016

Because it was November 3 again, and evil-dictator Gayoom is fast becoming my favourite politician in town (and I can’t deal with this new reality), this week I look at the latest in PPM vs Lame PPM, and MNDF’s continuing celebration of the Indian army’s victory over Sri Lankan Tamil rebels. 

These are short takes on the headlines of the week gone by.

Gasim throws support behind Gayoom

To be clear, there’s no party in Maldivian politics that Gasim hasn’t thrown his support behind at some point in the last 365 days

PPM headquarters vandalised days after anti-Gayoom graffiti found on walls

Okay. So this here below is the best thing I have seen all year. Just look at MAG’s shit-eating grin, while he stands in front of some taunting mockery that doesn’t translate well into English.


This was so beautiful, I had to sniff and wipe a tear. He took this juvenile scrawl, turned it on its head, and masterfully transformed it into art. This is pure PWNAGE level 10000.

And what do YAG’s humiliated minions do in response to this devastating blow from the one true boss? Why, they returned again under the cover of darkness to hurl some engine oil at the exterior gate.


Rival PPM factions vie for grassroots support

The fact there still exists a grassroots for them to fight over says so much about Maldives’ doomed democracy.

In possibly related news, this a great time to invest in some air conditioner retail business.

New 25-storey office complex relocated to Hulhumalé

This was supposed to have been built in Malé. They had even demolished the existing building in Malé, cleared the land and then – at the very last moment – someone apparently noticed that Malé had congested roads, and traffic and oh, that “there were schools nearby”.

You shake your head, but it could have been worse.

I can quite clearly picture the late realization dawning on these incompetent souls say, halfway through the construction – forcing them to build only the remaining 13 floors in Hulhumalé.

Army downgrades protection for Gayoom

To be fair, this move became inevitable after an unarmed Gayoom humiliated the MNDF two weeks ago by casually ignoring the armored personnel carrier parked outside his party office.

The military was sent there amid great spectacle to intimidate the old man, and he just kind of straight up ignored their existence – and was seen sharing jokes with the press instead. With no choice left, the MNDF had to retreat in the end.

So yeah, what could MNDF possibly do to protect a man who can destroy them with a joke?

Yameen faction ‘bribed and coerced’ state employees, supporters to attend rally

I don’t understand why so many people are making a fuss over this. How else is anyone supposed to be convinced to go watch this creature talk?yag

Umar Naseer hopelessly mangles Michelle Obama’s words

I’m so glad Umar Naseer tweets.

Here’s another all-time favourite from the cringe-fest that is his timeline.

President Nasheed appointed Honorary Co-Chair of Freedom Now

The other Honorary co-chair is no less than the iconic Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Depending on where you fall on the autistic spectrum, you realize one of two things at this point:

a) Holy shit, that is quite an honour!
b) Of course, he’s going to be in this kiristhian faadhiree club!

Just to compare, the highest honour YAG has ever received to date is some governance award from a transgender rights NGO based in Trivandrum (Every night before I go to bed, I have to convince myself that this is a real thing that actually happened. No, seriously.)

90% of healthcare promises delivered, says Health Ministry

The specific promises, for those who remember, include a doctor for every family, sea ambulances in all islands, unlimited public funded healthcare coverage…

What’s 90% of bullshit again?

Next time someone attempts a coup like 3 Nov 1988, we’ll show ’em!: MNDF

The Chief of Defense Force says the Maldivian military was caught unawares during the attempted coup d’état in 3 November 1988 – forcing the Indians to fly in and save the day.

But, he says, if such an attempt were to ever occur again, he’d totally kick their ass.

Purely speculating here, but I suppose a coup attempt could also go roughly something like this:

First, the country’s actual medal-wearing, gun-toting, uniformed armed forces could somehow be beaten back and humiliated by a few men carrying tear gas, and zero heavy weapons.


Then, perhaps, they might retreat to their base in shame, and refuse to follow orders from the elected Commander in Chief…


…even as the coup makers continue to engage in violence right right outside in plain view.


Then, as discipline breaks down further, a group of them might break away and openly join the enemy. Some might even go around waving their arms and yelling “Allahu Akbar!”, gleefully celebrating their own startling incompetence and lack of military discipline.

Meanwhile, another group of turncoats might be deployed to assist the enemy in beating up unarmed citizens, and breaking random plastic chairs

And finally, they could help the traitors take over the state broadcasting and media stations, and afterwards pose for a nice photograph with the anti-national elements who just toppled the legitimate elected government


Of course. That is all purely hypothetical conjecture. Nobody could possibly think that could actually happen.

In actual reality, MNDF would totally prevent any coups, and strike terror into the very core of the enemy’s hearts. It is known.

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