This Week in Maldives: October 30

Because YAG has literally removed the furniture and erased the signboard from his own party headquarters as some form of punishment to his elder brother, this week I look at the sibling rivalry between two dictators of mixed abilities. These are short takes on the headlines of the week gone by.

Gayoom withdraws support for Yameen

YAG’s continued rule is such a strange anomaly. The man has no popular base of support, no real loyalists, and no friends. (He was rumoured to have had a friend once, but then he threw that guy in jail too) The man possesses no warmth, no oratorical skills, no known leadership qualities, no proven ability to govern.

Not even the millions in tax payer funds lavished on the very top PR firms in the world could hide the fact – the scientific fact – that he has the charisma of an anal wart, and a grumpy face that only a mother could love.

And yet, the man continues to rule. He remains in power despite the open revolt within his own party, led by his own charismatic elder brother Maumoon Abdul Gayoom.

In private, however, PPM MPs of his own faction claim to strongly dislike him, and yet say they have “no choice” but to serve his will.

Violent street thugs who think nothing of hacking a human being to pieces kneel before him. I know of trained cops who are afraid to walk outside alone at night, and meekly bow in his direction. Theoretically independent bodies like the EC and the HRCM fall over each other to carry out his diktats.

Even the courts and judges seem to be afraid to cross him.

I spent long hours thinking about this, until I came to a startling realization: whoever replaced Asela as his personal magical warlock must be fucking terrifying.

The thought keeps me up at night.

Maldives to pay Indian firm at least US$250m in damages for cancelling airport deal

Think of all the money the public would have saved if, during some point in his childhood, Mohamed Waheed Hassan Manik had fallen off a swing and landed on his head.

He would never have earned that darned PhD, and the ensuing sense of entitlement – and we might have been spared from having to subsidize the man’s massive ego and vanity with over a quarter of a billion dollars.

Also, I do not condone violence against children. But there’s a roughly 5% chance that one of those kids you see on the park swings could grow up to be another Waheed. I’m just saying.

High court rules in favour of Yameen in ruling party leadership row

I’m beginning to think the courts are a bit biased against Gayoom.

Supreme court rejects Gayoom’s bid to gain control of ruling party

Fine. So the courts are definitely hijacked.

Gayoom’s lawyer summoned for criticising the high court

I take back everything I said earlier. Our esteemed courts are fiercely independent, steadfast pillars of democracy and free speech. They are noble entities, and can do no wrong. They also happen to be the most impeccably dressed judiciary in the world. Al-Usthaaz Baaree has a great voice, and they all sing so well.

Al-Usthaaz Hon’ble Ali Hameed is pretty handsome too.

Nearly half of MDP’s members removed from its registry

This would normally significantly reduce the share of state funds the party receives. But then, the regime has barred political parties from receiving any state funds. So cheer up, MDP. In terms of actual revenue impact, half of nothing is still nothing.

MDP expels Alhan Fahmy from party

The way the royal Egyptian media reported this story, this was a direct result of (the former party VP-) Alhan’s massive popularity threatening to undermine President Nasheed’s position in the MDP.

In the real world, however, Alhan is still the guy who once called a massive rally to reform the MDP – and a total of six people showed up to the revolution.

As a nod to this dubious distinction, perhaps, the disciplinary committee ruled that Alhan could join the party again if he could bring in 50 more members. This is the equivalent of watching someone struggle to lift 60 kilos in the gym, and then taunting him saying he could join the after-party only if he could bench press 500.

To be fair to the Egyptian royals, it is kind of a dick move to ban the man from running for any party position for three years.

Seriously. Just let the guy run for any position he wants. He’s still only going to get six votes – and you don’t come across as being undemocratic jerks in the process.

Bridge construction damages famous shipwreck

Hold on right there. The bridge construction is clearly more important. It is after all the thing that’ll connect the capital of this illaahi bin to the holy airport we just paid over $250 million to save from Indian-Jewish clutches.

Besides, I bet there isn’t even a dedicated platform to view this allegedly famous wreck.