This Week in Maldives: January 22

Because Trump is President and we all owe Riyaz Rasheed an apology; this week: Shainee woos investors with jokes, Gayoom literally can’t even, Dhiraagu has a special discount, and YAG’s heart grows three sizes. With love, of course. 

These are short takes on the headlines of the week gone by.

Trial begins for Maldivian man ‘who fought in Pakistan for nine years’

30-year-old Mohamed Abdul Rahman faces 20 years in prison for allegedly taking part in militancy in Waziristan for some nine years.

He left for ‘studies’ in 2007, and returned in mid 2016 allegedly as a ‘a top leader in a militant group’ in the region.

While the last few years have seen a bunch of “terrorists” being thrown in jail – including a former President and Vice Presidents and cabinet ministers – the Maldives has yet to actually convict any of the Maldivian criminals involved in organized mass murder in countries like Pakistan, Afghanistan and Syria.

As a side note: if your kid looks at the map of the world, and decides Waziristan is where he wants to pursue his ‘studies’ – you should probably intervene and hide his passport.

Saudi Arabia to send teachers, set up Arabic language centre in Maldives

I don’t know about this. I feel like we too should set up Dhivehi Bas Academy branches all across the Hejaz, and permanently relocate (all of-) our dhivehi maaiy bas speakers deep into the Najd desert.

Maldives assures full security for foreign investments

The regime appears to be running out of lenders to borrow massive loans from, but someone still needs to fund Muizzu’s expensive Sim City habit.

Thus, it fell on Fisheries Minister Shainee to make another futile plea to foreign investors.

“Maldives is an exemplary nation for foreign investments,” said Minister Shainee, with what I imagine was a straight face.

I’m not sure if the regime investment pitch is working. The regime has in past celebrated when Moody’s gave us a sovereign credit rating of B2 – a grade that means any investment here is “speculative and subject to high credit risk”.

Surely, the investors have nothing to worry about.

After all, it’s not like the the government has voided several major contracts or unilaterally taken over private investments.

Regime takes over Gasim’s Villa airport

The regime decided to take over operations of Kaadehdhoo airport from Gasim Ibrahim’s Villa Group.

In other (entirely coincidental and not-at-all related-) news, Gasim has publicly supported the golhaa faction of PPM.

As someone who still remembers the stolen elections of 2013, I am a honestly a fan of moves like this. The state should entirely take over Villa group, if anything. I figure that’ll mean one less wealthy kleptocrat to get in the way of democracy.

Dhiraagu apologises for internet outage, offers a special discount

They didn’t specify how much of a ‘special discount’, but I’m not worried at all.

After all, when has Dhiraagu ever disappointed its customers on bill day?

Utility companies sue to recover millions lost in currency exchange scam

Two state owned utility companies sued a speedboat transfer company after it failed to return their money.

STELCO and Fenaka Corportation apparently wanted foreign currency to fund their projects, so they paid Sharu Launch Services three million and seventeen million rufiyaa respectively to purchase foreign currency.

The speedboat company failed to cough up the dollars; instead the cheques they issued bounced.

So why is a speedboat company providing foreign exchange services to state companies? Yeah. Stop asking questions, or someone will need to bring up Other Religions™ again.

Nasheed calls for opposition to field single candidate in 2018

It had better not be Jameel, because I swear to god if that happens…

PPM primaries for local councils scheduled for January 27

PPM will hold primaries for some 64 seats ahead of the Local Council elections. This is the wrong PPM, in case you’re wondering.

(The goonda faction, in case you’re still wondering)

Police orders Gayoom to cancel meeting with PPM members

Gayoom wanted to meet PPM (golhaa faction) members indoors inside his office. The police said he couldn’t.

And that was that.

Poor Gayoom. I guess it is not as much fun to be on the receiving end of a dictatorship.

Ports company under investigation over boat deal

State-owned Maldives Ports Limited (MPL) is under investigation by the anti-graft watchdog over the procurement of a small, rotten, damaged boat for MVR 5 million.

The CEO appeared unfazed. “What five million? Even if I have to buy a dhoni for ten million rufiyaa I will do it!”, he said.

I didn’t make that up.

The man is also caught in a public feud with regime figure Riyaz Rasheed, whose oil company Meridiam had allegedly been grossly marking up fuel prices, resulting in MPL making losses.

Nevertheless, the regime courts ordered the MPL last year to keep buying fuel exclusively from Meridiam.

No, I did not make that up either.

Verdict in Raajje TV cameraman trial delayed

Raajje TV cameraman Adam Zareer was charged with obstructing police officers in 2015. But the judge called in sick on the day of the verdict.

Injustice delayed is injustice denied. For now.

Yameen to free hundreds of inmates

Abdulla Yameen plans to free over 300 inmates under a new clemency policy, the Home Minister announced.

He also allegedly told inmates in Maafushi jail that Yameen “loves you a lot”.

Funny how when you run out of money to run overcrowded prisons, your heart simply swells with love.

Five state employees charged with negligence in three-year-old’s murder

Four gender ministry officials and a policeman are facing criminal negligence charges over the murder of 3 year old Ibtihaal in early 2015.

The more you read about the case, the more fucked up it gets. The child was found dead with strangle marks on his neck, broken ribs, and scars all over his body. His mother confessed to the abuse and murder in court.

But that’s not the whole story.

The child was also born out of wedlock – an unspeakable travesty in aqeeda-land, where nobody ever sins, and certainly never fornicates. The mother appears to have vented out her resentment in the form of physical abuse.

It also appears that the authorities were aware of the abuse, but simply failed to take action to protect the young toddler.

Then, in another sick twist to the case, it was revealed that both mother and son were sexually and physically abused by the mother’s step-father, who was also formally charged with incest.

I.. I need to go take a walk.