The Daily Panic

This Week in Maldives: January 8

Because you guys liked, RT’d and shared the hell out of the last edition, this week I focus on aqeeda-endangering textbooks, Dunya’s return to the dark side, and Muizzu engaged in a series of unfortunate Muizzed up things.

These are short takes on the headlines of the week gone by.

Dunya rejoins the regime

Dunya Maumoon had resigned from her position as Foreign Minister last July citing “profound differences of opinion on the government’s policy in implementing the death penalty”.

The timing of her pricked conscience neatly coincided with the rapidly escalating war at that time between her dad the former dictator, and her uncle the present one.

That war continues unabated, but in a surprise move, she has suddenly decided to join the government again this week.

The high profile former Foreign Minister is now a junior minister in the Health Ministry – a position that is roughly equivalent to the #PPMEnglish coordinators who are tasked with spamming twitter with atrocious grammar and broken logic.

It is worth mentioning, perhaps, that this move did not win the approval of her dad’s twitter account.

Church images in a text book spark controversy 

Stop the presses! A picture of a church?! In a textbook informing students about major world religions?! At a school, no less?! Outrageous!

Image source: VFP, because hard-hitting journalism isn’t dead.

Well, sure, God himself freely mentions Christians and Jews right there in the Qur’an. But in his infinite majestic wisdom, he chose not to include any illustrations in there, thus allowing weak-willed Maldivians to remain steadfastly Muslim.

Note: The holy cross has always been an ever-present threat to Dhivehin’s extremely fragile faith.

Thankfully, the offending school textbooks were promptly seized by authorities, and aqeeda survived to die another day.

(Also. Lol, #MordisProblems)

Government to collect fee on solar panel use

While the rest of the world is subsidizing solar, wind and other renewable forms of energy, the Maldives regime has decided to impose a tax on sunlight.

Before you get too worked up over it, do remember that our benevolent government is the only thing standing between us and an invasion of Other Religions™. Heck, go ahead and tax the air we breathe – because what truly matters is that we’re not sharing it with the kaafirs.

Well, except all our islands now belong to the kaafirs.

Sale of strategically located Feydhoo Finolhu island to a shady, unknown Chinese company on undisclosed terms poses absolutely no concerns: Chinese Ambassador

Oh. Okay. All right, then. I don’t even know why I was worried there for a moment. Whew! Thanks for the clarification, Mr. Chinese Ambassador!

Regime to reclaim lagoon near Malé to replace (sold-) picnic island

And Muizzu is probably going to be involved somehow; if you love your kids, you might want to remain firmly on our ilaahi bin and stick to the trusty old Artificial Beach.

Image source:

You may pay taxes and pray five times a day, but the nice beaches and relaxing islands are only for the drunken, pork-consuming, fornicating yahoodhees who bring in precious dollars for our wealthy masters.

Don’t look at me. You know it is true.

Couple found dead appear to have died of natural causes: Police

A couple were found dead in their house on Maaveyo Magu. The Best Police Force In The Region™ has carefully explored all the evidence and, within hours, pronounced the deaths ‘natural’.

I don’t know – but it appears to me that it’s at least somewhat statistically improbable for two (reasonably young-) grown ups of different ages to die of natural causes, in the same room, and at the same time.

I would like to believe the Maldives Police Service, but then today marks 885 days since my friend Ahmed Rilwan’s disappearance. And I have observed nothing but comical incompetence and laughably unprofessional conduct throughout that time.

I feel this is going to be yet another Maldivian family that’s going to have to wait a long, long time for answers.

Minister blames MDP government for housing project controversy

The citizens who were awarded flats under the Nasheed administration’s Veshi Fahi Malé  programme were told they would either need to pay MVR 2 million upfront, or obtain a home loan with a down payment of MVR 400,000 to get their flats. Both these amounts are out of the reach of the average Maldivian household.

The actual price of the flats, according to former government officials, is closer to $1.1 million.

Understandably, the citizens protested in anger.

Muizzu – the responsible dude that he is – promptly blamed it all on Nasheed, who has now been out of power for five years.

I would love to give Muizzu the benefit of doubt. However, I keep remembering all the times I have seen tourists slip and do a face-plant on the wet glass floors he installed outside the Sultan Park for some reason.

Or the time I excitedly decided to go running at the new “jogging track” that he inaugurated, only to find whatever the fuck this is.

Image source: @euxiine

And I still can’t go watch the floating faeces at the (hopelessly eroded-) Rasfannu beach on a windy day, for fear of flimsy lamp posts toppling over and falling on my head.

And if the lamp posts didn’t get me, the random exposed electric wires certainly would.

Image source: @shifau

And yet, the man with the reverse-Midas touch blames it all on the MDP each time. (Or vagrants. Or vandals. Or contractors. Or poor quality source materials. Or Nasheed..)

Image source: @nautymatox


I’m not saying Muizzu is the most incompetent man alive; but to simultaneously – and so publicly, and so consistently – and so completely fuck up that many high profile, ludicrous, unsustainable projects in only five years is probably some kind of world record.


Exit mobile version