The Daily Panic

This Week in Maldives: December 4

Because I couldn’t sleep all week – and breathing exercises and scented candles didn’t help – this week I look at the MUO, heavenly palaces, and self-righteous assholes with funny Arabic names on Facebook.

These are short takes on the headlines of the week gone by.

Central bank under fire for bailing out government with GMR payout

Hey. It’s a small price to pay to make Waheed feel important. He’s the “first PhD holder” and the “first person to appear on TV Maldives” after all. No small feat.

Second only to this amazing twitter bio.

I say the MMA should take 5% of the national budget every year, convert it into a large pile of cash, and make a great, giant bonfire out of it.

It’s the least we could do to truly honour the unparalleled achievements of the immediate past president of the republic.

Ali Waheed resigns as MUO deputy leader

Wow. The movement sure is bound to lose steam now. *cough*

Ali Waheed, who is living in exile in London, claims to be making way so that someone residing in the Maldives could take over from him.

I can’t prove it to you, but I am 93% convinced that the MUO is a secret plot to grant more and more Maldivians a one way ticket to London. And when the last democrat has safely evacuated these sinking islands and arrived on the welcoming shores of vilaathu, perhaps we can finally unfurl the flag of freedom and declare Aneh Dhivehi Raajje a reality.

Secret terror trial for ex defence minister

In other words, Ameen Faisal faces up to 15 years in prison on “terrorism charges”, and there’s nothing the prosecutors have against him that won’t turn court records into a humour magazine.

Maldives progressing at unimaginable speed, says VP

Well, you’d certainly never imagine that – in the year of our Lord 2016, no less – a man who allegedly has a masters and PhD in Civil Engineering could make over four attempts to fix a short jogging track, and somehow fuck it up even more every time.

Seriously. What the hell, Muizzu? It’s been months.

The nation owes President Yameen a huge debt: Economic Minister

Speaking of debts, neither us, nor our children, nor our grandchildren will ever be able to afford to retire thanks to President Yameen.

On a totally unrelated note: if someone breaks into your house and steals both your wallet and your child’s piggy bank, are you in debt to him or would he be in debt to you?

Government marks 3 years with public meeting

For some reason, MDP supporters marked the day by counting the number of empty chairs at the venue. Because that’s what’s ruining the country.

“We don’t boast, We deliver”, boasts Immigration Department

They also released a video, to mark the regime’s three years in power.

I don’t know about the Immigration Department, but whoever made the video certainly delivered. I could watch those 90’s transition effects for days. Also, editing FTW.

High court approves seizure of Villa properties

The regime had earlier seized two lagoons, and three islands leased to Gasim, one of the primary villains in 2013’s stolen elections. He was also slapped with a $90 million fine.

The property was taken away when he began to get too cozy with the opposition, and restored to him when he dumped them again (and helped ram through some constitutional amendments). 

But things have changed again since then between Gasim and the regime he helped bring to power – and the high court ruled that the  property should have been seized after all.

Please, MDP. Please don’t stop the regime from doing a good thing. Gasim-ah kuraa aniyaa kkbk. 

Police blames low conviction rate for human-traffickers on victims

Only one case of human trafficking has ever seen a conviction – and none among the convicted in that case were Maldivians.

Maldives Independent reports that there are more than 30,000 undocumented workers, many of whom are forced into bonded labour and sex trafficking.

Blaming the victims for police incompetence isn’t surprising. They also blame abducted journalist Rilwan’s family for their failure to do the most basic investigation. 

Fire breaks out at warehouse in Malé

This is the latest in a series of fire disasters this year in Malé. The fire destroyed $2.6 million worth of goods, and had spread to five other buildings before it was put out. Two fire-fighters were reportedly injured.

But hey, let’s invest some more in Muizzu’s shitty tiles instead of fire hydrants.

And finally, this week in Facebook Fundies 

Meet Abu Yahya Al Maldifi.

Abu Yahya Al Maldifi thinks he is a Muslim. In fact, he probably thinks he in an excellent Muslim. Abu Yahya is sadly mistaken, however.

It turns out he isn’t an excellent anything. In fact, upon the slightest inspection, he is revealed to be among the lowest, most deplorable sort of humans.

Let me explain why.

Observe: he’s seen here calling me ‘scum murtad‘, and exhorts upon his boyfriends to “SPREAD AND EXPOSE” this slander (which they dutifully do)

Now, you might think Abu Yahya Al Maldifi is a man so passionate about Islam that he couldn’t stand even this imagined slight on his religion. A man easily moved to passions upon the slightest infringement upon his precious faith.

But again, you would be wrong.

I know this because I actually looked at his Facebook page – and scrolled all the way down. What I saw next didn’t surprise me at all.

Abu Yahya Al Maldifi and his boyfriends couldn’t care less about Islam. The man calls himself ‘al Maldifi’ but not once does he put in the time or effort to address any social issues of the Maldives. The bandit regime, the Maldivians unfairly in jail, the abducted journalists, the kleptocracy, the gang violence, the hijacked courts, the overall injustice, the crumbling infrastructure, absence of healthcare or respect for human dignity.

Not one post.

Instead, Abu Yahya Al Maldifi and his dim boyfriends have narrowed down the biggest problem facing Islam and Maldives today to a single post on Facebook shared by me.

This is not by accident.

You see, what Abu Yahya Al Maldifi is too dim to realize is that he doesn’t have a single original thought in his god-given brain. He only regurgitates hatred that he’s been told gives some meaning to his otherwise pointless existence.

What Abu Yahya and his boyfriends do not realize is that they are essentially the War Boys from Mad Max:Fury Road – brainwashed, fanatical foot soldiers of a corrupt warlord, unable to comprehend that they are being scammed.

Abu Yahya Al Maldifi (fifth from the rear, because he is not that important) and his boyfriends

Here’s another one from this silly War Boy’s Facebook page.

Okay. Let me try this too! There are no anonymous fundie troll Muslims, not a single one. Anyone who believes in hiding behind anonymous accounts on Facebook, libeling people – while simultaneously failing to stand up for any positive or decent Islamic value is an apostate.

See how easy that is?

Furthermore, what greater enemy of Islam could there be than one who seeks to keep Muslims eternally enslaved, anti-science, anti-intellectual, anti-progress? Only the biggest enemies of Islam and Muslims would so eagerly be itching to snuff out any voice that calls for reason or progress in Muslim society. 

Unfortunately, Abu Yahya Al Maldifi will never know this.

That’s because Abu Yahya Al Maldifi stopped reading after two sentences, and was last seen angrily logging into his Facebook account.

A palace is being built in Heaven for the First Lady: MP Siyam

Hopefully not by Muizzu.


Also. Here’s a fun experiment: Keep hitting refresh on Abu Yahya Al Maldifi’s page to see his total lack of outrage at this ‘blasphemy’ by someone who is not a handsome, young blogger, but a disgusting wealthy figure from an autocratic regime that protects him and his boyfriends.

Told ya.

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