BREAKING PANIC: The Daily Panic brings you the absolute latest breaking news from this week. And other weeks.
Slavery Industry Gets Much Needed Boost
Maldives Immigration Department took firm steps today to alleviate the misery of the nation’s long suffering slave traders.
Until now, slave traders in the Maldives had to illegally hold their captives’ passports to keep them from fleeing at every chance. According to our Senior Slavery Correspondent, this method, while effective, is apparently frowned upon in some other countries, and is also somewhat legal messy.
The government appears to have taken cognizance of the fact that human trafficking and slavery is the country’s second most lucrative industry – a fundamental bedrock of our economy – and have taken proactive steps to address the slave owners’ concerns.
Starting today, the slave masters no longer need to confiscate passports. Instead, the Immigration Department will require every slave to get a letter from their owners before they are allowed to leave the country, thus rendering their passports useless.
“The procedure is simple,” explained the immigration department’s Information Officer Hassan Khaleel. “The slaves will approach their masters – the same ones who have been illegally withholding their passports until now – asking for authorization to leave. We provide the laugh track”
Maldives Police Service Dumbstruck by Own Brilliance
The Maldives Police Service has released yet another statement proclaiming their own brilliance.
Commissioner of Police, Hussain Waheed Three, said in a statement that “The Maldives Police Service is now the best Police force in the region. We are truly dumbstruck by our own brilliance.”
In celebration of the great recognition that it has awarded itself, the Police Commissioner announced another round of mass promotions and a flat for each Police Officer who can count to three. “Just like me!”, beamed the Commissioner, who then contorted himself into an awkward position and started fellating himself passionately.
The Daily Panic’s Senior Statistics Correspondent pointed out that the Maldives Police Service have an astounding near 100% failure record when it comes to solving serious crimes – including continued failure to locate abducted journalist Ahmed Rilwan, and over thirty unsolved murders and even more stabbings in recent years.
In response, the Commissioner released another statement declaring that our correspondent had defamed his esteemed institution and is now responsible for all the crimes. “Furthermore,” the statement reiterated, “Maldives Police Service is full of rock star detectives who are trained in Australia, America and UK. Even our uniforms are fucking sweet”
He then immediately revised the statement yet again. It now says that the world’s top Police organizations, including Scotland Yard and Western Australia Police, now receive their training from Maldives Police Service.
Ugly terrorist being harassed by local Gay Christian-Jewtheist
The ugliest terrorist in the region was harassed by local gay Christian Jewtheist, according to a post on the victim’s Facebook profile.
According to the terrorist, the notorious gay Christian Jewtheist was ‘following’ him the previous night – an experience, our Senior Psychological Correspondent says, made significantly more traumatizing by the fact that the victim is remarkably fugly and not accustomed to being pursued by any human being of any gender.
Unlike this smouldering charming criminal
The Daily Panic’s Senior Truth Analyst reviewed the claim in great detail, using MS Excel, Windows Media Player, and other modern forensic tools.
“While the alleged perpetrator, a certain Yameen Rasheed of S. Feydhoo, is known to be incredibly lazy and absent minded – our data shows he’s the only documented living human known to use Google Maps to navigate Maafannu on foot – we have no reason to doubt the veracity of the claims in this Facebook post”
“After all, what has the world come to if we cannot believe things posted on the Internet by known criminals?”, he added helpfully.