The Daily Panic brings you the absolute latest breaking news from the past month or so.
The Daily Panic refuses to speculate on Gasim’s involvement in disappearance of Flight MH 370
The mysterious disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 that has baffled aviation experts around the world continues to dominate news cycles. Unlike many dubious media outlets, The Daily Panic refuses to speculate on the present whereabouts of the plane or the circumstances of its disappearance.
Now that satellite data confirms that the plane was deliberately turned Westwards towards the South Indian Ocean, we especially do not want to speculate on the increasingly widespread rumours that the plane might have landed in Maamigili airport in Maldives, owned by Maldivian business tycoon Gasim Ibrahim. We also make nothing of the fact that he owns a private airline and his own private airport that lies bang in the middle of the route that experts say the plane allegedly took.
If Gasim were to mysteriously unveil a refurbished Boeing 777 in the coming weeks, we will not make loose associations based on unverifiable hearsay. Despite all the circumstantial evidence clearly suggesting Gasim’s increasing involvement in the matter, The Daily Panic refuses to engage in rumour mongering and cheap, speculative journalism.
“Respect mah authoritah”, says Honourable Supreme Court
The Supreme Court has taken proactive steps to prevent the public from disparaging the bench. The SC has issued a directive to local media dictating that judges may henceforth only be referred to with the title ‘Honourable Justice al-Ustaz’.
The Daily Panic understands that this Supreme Court directive will deeply increase citizens’ respect for the esteemed institution, which has been somewhat tarnished recently by various unconstitutional rulings, as well as leaked videos of Honourable Justice al-Ustaz Ali Hameed.
Supreme Court Convicts Fuwad Thowfeek
The Supreme Court has also convicted the President and Vice President of the Elections Commission for contempt of court. Fuwad Thowfeek, the President of the EC and, according to our Senior Anatomy Correspondent, possessor of the biggest brass in this part of the world, has been sentenced to 6 months in prison.
Fuwad Thowfeek was found to be in contempt of court after pointing out that citizens declared dead by the Supreme Court were in fact alive. He has also previously been in confrontation with the Supreme Court, Police, and the entire pantheon of ruling coalition parties over his infuriating attempts to conduct a fair election.
The country’s only democratic party responded in anger at this belligerent unconstitutional move, and threatened to boycott the Parliamentary elections in the absence of a credible poll environment, and obvious intimidation of the Elections Commission. However, better sense prevailed and the party candidates decided all this wasn’t worth foregoing their MP’s income over, and went right back to campaigning.
Coalition Candidate doesn’t know what to do with stupid hands
This week in our Parliamentary campaign coverage: Ruling coalition candidate MP Ilham doesn’t know what to do with his hands during a photo shoot. So he did this.
According to our Senior Hand-Placement correspondent, human hands are awkward dangly appendages. Once a person becomes consciously aware that these two stupid forelimbs are literally just hanging there limply by the sides doing absolutely nothing, the realization can slowly lead to the onset of mild panic. As the panic escalates, the brain starts trying hard to retain composure and recollect exactly what the bloody hands are supposed to do, and – in the final tense moments as the cameraman readies his shot – fires off frenzied orders (“Quick! Now! Do something! Anything! OHMIGAWD!’), and the hands automatically respond to these erratic signals, resulting in some extremely stupid looking photographs as seen above.
One way to overcome this fundamental design flaw in humans is to hold some object or flash a v-sign. However, recent studies show that the best thing to do with hands during a photo shoot is to just give up and become a Nazi.
The nation temporarily in uproar over transfusion of HIV infected blood
The nation was temporarily outraged when IGMH, the Maldives’s premier health institution, infected a pregnant woman with HIV.
The outrage, which lasted about 96 hours, was primarily directed at the fact that it took over three weeks for the hospital to come clean on the matter that a pregnant woman was transfused with HIV infected blood.
In a highly logical move, the Health Minister refused to resign saying it would not bring back the woman’s health. However, The Daily Panic understands that the Ministry immediately began exploring the possibility of restoring the woman to full health by firing the lab technician and putting all the blame on that guy.
The Daily Panic approached citizens to comment on the public health sector crisis, and got the following response ‘HIV. That is so last week’.