The Daily Panic

Mordis goes to polls

It is voting day and the stakes have never been higher. The Daily Panic is proud to bring you the latest on the Maldivian elections.

The Daily Panic understands that the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this election. Many Maldivians are determined to vote in Abdulla Yameen to deal with the bullshit that Israelis are pulling on the Palestinians. It is hoped that Yameen would be the man to finally resolve the long standing Middle Eastern crisis.

Raising the stakes even higher, The Daily Panic has obtained the following image showing the Catholic Pope – spiritual head of over one billion Catholics – strongly endorsing MDP candidate Mohamed Nasheed. Our forensics department has verified the authenticity of the below image with MS Excel, Winamp, VLC media player and other modern tools.

This rousing endorsement, however, does little to improve Nasheed’s chances, as The Daily Panic survey shows relatively few Catholics voters in the Maldives. Exit polls suggest all the Catholics are likely to vote for the Adhaalaath Party (the only Maldivian party led by a Christian), which is aligned with PPM as of 10:45hrs today.

The Daily Panic also notes that President Nasheed has previously been in conflict with Pope Francis, with graffiti scrawled on the walls of Male’ by rebellious Catholics proclaiming Nasheed as the true Pope. This endorsement appears to be a conciliatory move to address this divisive split in the Roman Catholic church.

The election outcome could also have far reaching social consequences – as a large number of voters agree their sexual orientation might change if Nasheed comes to power. In a country with very limited homosexual rights, the overnight conversion of perfectly straight, law abiding men and women to criminal homosexuals could have devastating consequences and overwhelm the prison system. It is believed most voters  with significant fear of losing their current sexual orientation will vote for Abdulla Yameen, who will also preserve their sexuality and sexual preferences.

The PPM vows to appoint Adhaalath Party to the Education ministry. The Daily Panic understands that Science curriculum will be updated to include Harun Yahya’s theories and excise all western propaganda from textbooks. School children around the country have expressed delight that they no longer have to study actual science and can learn Yahya’s much simpler fairy tales. The Daily Panic surveys show that students find actual science curriculum hard. However, with the reformed syllabus, all children are expected to get Alif+ grades.

Among other concerns so far this election season are disappearing ink, fading voter marks, and disappearing Islam. The Daily Panic has learned that David Copperfield is not contesting the Maldivian elections. Reports abound, however, that President Nasheed possesses special skills that can make Islam vanish. If so, it would be the first time this has happened since Islam was introduced to the Maldives in 1192 AD by President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom.


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