The Daily Panic

Breaking Panic: Waheed doesn’t care.

BREAKING PANIC. The Daily Panic briefly rounds up today’s major headlines from around the Maldives. 

Waheed doesn’t care

Mohamed Waheed Hassan Manik has announced plans to flee to Singapore indefinitely on the 14th of this month.

This is apparently news because he’s promised to resign on the 16th, and might not be back in time for that. The Daily Panic immediately appointed a task force of senior correspondents to gather more information on what exactly he intends to resign from, given that he’s not currently holding any legal position.

Waheed further told the media that there’s nothing he can do here that he can’t do over the phone from Singapore. We can verify that this is true, especially considering that he can do pretty much nothing even when he is in town. In particular, we note his rather embarrassing inability to even resign when he wants to.

On that last note, the CMAG (the Commonwealth Ministerial Action Group) has once again put Maldives back on its formal agenda. Waheed has said he remains unconcerned about this. The Daily Panic agrees with Waheed on this. Given the past record of the CMAG in dealing with lack of democracy in the Maldives, he has nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile, we continue to receive reports from around the Maldives that there are still citizens who continue to foolishly believe that there will be some kind of democratic exercise on November 16, and are also convinced that the winner will still be allowed to be sworn in if his name is Mohamed Nasheed. We nod sadly in their direction, and wish them all the best.


Gasim speaks English. (Also endorses PPM)

In case you forgot, Gasim Ibrahim is the man who apparently funded the 7 Feb 2012 coup d’etat. As a JSC member, he protected Ali Hameed, the Supreme Court Justice who now enjoys the dubious distinction of having the most viewed penis in the Maldives.

We would show you what follows, but we are a respectable, family-oriented newspaper.

Gasim was the direct cause of the election annulment, fingerprint drama and repeated re-registrations that’s caused endless frustrations and monetary losses to the public.

But at the end of all that, he still got 23% of the votes (Why, thank you Mordis!)

This immediately made Gasim the most attractive man in town for the last two days. Despite what we noted above, even the MDP was happy to court him hoping for an endorsement. After all,  what’s a little towering assholery between friends? As it happened, Gasim eventually decided to endorse PPM after long deliberations at Kunooz.

Some amount of buzz was generated on social media about how much Gasim’s English has improved over the years. We really don’t know what the fuss is about though. Gasim has always been our favorite orator in English.


Moosa Anvar won’t stop.

Moosa Anvar needs to stop.

Amba burst onto the social media scene – burst into awful tears that is, and – while presumably still bawling – dutifully uploaded the picture to his facebook after his girlfriend dumped him (Our relationships correspondent cannot imagine why).

Having reduced himself to a pathetic, slobbering mess in what is surely the most cringe-inducing public spectacle in our 3000 year long history, he earned some well deserved endless ridicule on social media.

Still a better love story than Twilight

The twitter storm abated months ago, and we had assumed that he had safely gone away. But just as we were getting comfortable with our twitter timelines again, he posts this tonight:


Seriously. Please. Why won’t it stop? Make him stop.

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