BREAKING PANIC: The Daily Panic brings you the latest breaking news from earlier this week.
H.E.P Abdulla Yameen Abdul Gayoom is President
The Daily Panic is pleased to announce that His Excellency President al-Ustaz Abdulla Yameen Abdul Gayoom has won by a slim margin a resounding electoral victory.
“Abdulla Yameen’s victory is a giant leap forward for press freedom”, said the Editor of The Daily Panic in a strangely uneasy reassuring tone, while wiping inexplicable beads of sweat from his brow.
Citizens all over the world who love Maldives and Adhaalath Party Islam erupted in joy. The Daily Panic obtained the below footage of North Koreans weeping with joy moments after H.E. Abdulla Yameen’s victory was announced. We witnessed similar scenes in Palestine, Syria and our own Press room.
With this outpouring of support, we are confident that His Excellency will continue to win upwards of 51% 90% of the vote in the next election, and all the elections thereafter.
CP Abdulla Riyaz has resigned
Abdulla Riyaz, who was appointed Commissioner of Police after the coup d’etat legitimate transfer of power on 7 February 2012, has informed in a tweet that he has resigned from his post.
The Daily Panic notes with concern that the tweet was not accompanied by a selfie. The Commissioner is known for uploading selfies on various important and unimportant occasions, such as:
Withdrawing cash
Sitting much too far away from some gentleman
Shaking hands with a woman our Senior Physics correspondent estimates to be standing 9 feet away
Standing in the middle of a Turkish restaurant while people are trying to eat
Riyaz has in recent years been an inspiration for elegant Persian poetry loosely based on the enduring, timeless romantic love affair involving him and his face.
In his honour, The Oxford Dictionaries has yesterday named ‘selfie’ the word of the year 2013, even though it’s only still November.
Riyaz has stated that he now wants to serve the public in a different capacity.
While the Home Ministry has been unceremoniously snatched by Umar Naseer, The Daily Panic understands that there is still a senior vacancy at Maldives Post Limited. Our Human Resources correspondent notes Riyaz’s proven capacity to ensure the timely delivery of important correspondence even in the most demanding situations.
TV Mua is President’s Office spokesperson
The Daily Panic has learned that Ibrahim Muaz, better known as TV Mua according to people who recognize him, has been appointed the Official Spokesperson at the President’s Office.
Given the dynamic nature of his name – which The Daily Panic understands is a combination of a clever contraction of his surname that excises one unwanted letter, prefixed with an appliance or gadget which we presume is closely associated with his daily routine – we intended to henceforth refer to him as Microphone Mua.
However, our Naming correspondent, Senior Languages correspondent and independent linguist Kurolhi Adam are in strong disagreement over whether the appropriate alias would be Microphone Mua, Mike Mua or simply Spokes.
We have attempted to reach the spokesperson for comment, and are awaiting a response.
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[The President’s Office has benevolently approved and authorized the highly accurate facts in this article to be published with very few edits without any edits whatsoever.
Furthermore, the summer intern who did this article’s headline that makes no mention of His Excellency President Abdulla Yameen is in Room 101 has mysteriously disappeared. We regret to inform his family]