It is true what they say: if something has the word ‘laadheenee’ in it, it is like a bat signal for me to get involved immediately.
After the Maldives Elections Commission – currently on top of my favourite Independent Institutions – hauled the mullahs asses over coal for abusing religion for political purposes by labeling President Nasheed ‘laadheenee’, the Adhaalath party was forced to defend their indefensible stupidity.
Naturally, this task fell on the indefensibly stupid conspiracy theorist (And Adhaalath party Vice President-) Dr Mauroof, whose fear of condoms I have previously written about.
I have in front of me his painstaking research, and I am going to walk you through this collection of gems. Please. Lie back, relax and let me do the heavy lifting for you.
The moment you see the cover page, you instantly know you’re going to love this.
Right off the bat you notice that to achieve these graphics, Dr Mauroof had to travel back to 1995 and fire up his MS Paint.
Dr Mauroof then draws our attention to the affront to our religion that took place in Addu in 2011, on the sidelines of the SAARC summit. Nasheed arranged for the Sri Lankan President to unveil a statue of a lion, and then carefully timed it so that the clouds would part at that exact instant and an image of that secular icon Ataturk would appear in the sky.
Just because it would make it even more evil in Mauroof’s head, I bet Ataturk was wearing a condom too.
The evil secularists would tell you to calm down saying that the Lion is merely a symbol of the Sinhalese people. They might even pretend to be of a scholarly bent of mind, and try to associate the Lion with the root word ‘simha’ – sinhalese, and so on.
I don’t know about you, but my aqeeda crumbles down every time I walk past the Indian Embassy.
On pages 2 and 3 are a letter from the Elections Complaints Bureau, with a misspelled date.
Now, Dr Mauroof knows what kind of thickheaded idiots we are. So he helpfully puts a red circle around the misspelled date, in order to prepare us – his audience – for the extremely witty response he is about to make next, which also he has underlined and highlighted in yellow, in case we stupidly miss his comedic genius.
Now that we have established Dr Mauroof as the veritable Groucho Marx of the mullah world, we can thankfully continue.
Mauroof begins by admitting that he did indeed call President Nasheed ‘laadheenee’.
He then makes a landmark revelation that – for the first time ever – ‘laadheenee’ no longer means atheistic or non-Muslim or anti-Islamic, as was the Adhaalath’s party’s open implication all these years. As it turns out, these days it merely means ‘secular’.
What follows next is his very fragile understanding of the meaning of the term ‘secular’, followed by his ‘proof’ that Nasheed fits into this definition, and then a summing up of how a secular leader can totally, utterly destroy a nation. His example would be Turkey and Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, which also perhaps explains the front page.
Here’s a summary of what he says next:
1) The correct Arabic word for secular is ‘almaniyyah’. This is a conspiracy by Christians in Lebanon to make it sound like it has something to do with ‘Ilm’ or knowledge. Fucking Christians.
2) Since there was no dhivehi word for secular, we decided to use the Arabic word ‘laadheenee’. Instead of, you know, the proper term ‘almaniyyah’ as I just mentioned in my previous sentence.
3) Nasheed is laadheenee. But gosh, no way have we ever used this term for MDP supporters. Nevertheless, Nasheed’s fans continue to support him knowing full well he is laadheenee. Make what you will of that.
4) It is beyond all realms of possibility that Nasheed could have gotten over 95,000 votes from Maldivians. Just incomprehensible! It could have been stated in the Qur’an and we would still refuse to believe it! This is all Elections Comissioner Fuad Thaufeeq’s doing.
5) On that note: Fuck Elections Commission for making us lose miserably and look ridiculous. Also, fuck them for making that laadheenee Nasheed look awesome and popular in comparison.
6) Ladies and gentlemen. The first rule of secularism is to hate religion. Trust me on this one.
7) Secularism was invented by Christians. Christianity is a null and void religion that completely contradicts science. Now, as a Muslim and a medical doctor, you’ll be surprised to hear how warmly I have embraced fundamental biological theories like Evolution. Wait.
8) You guys at the National Elections Complaints Bureau have clearly never heard of Galileo, so I am going to spend the rest of this paragraph enlightening you about that poor Italian and how the Church mistreated him.
9) Giordano Bruno was born in 1548 and died in 1600. What has any of this got to do with my public slander against Nasheed two weeks ago? Hell if I know.
10) Secularism was a very sensible response of poor, oppressed people to free themselves from the painful shackles of the evil, devious, dogmatic, backward, anti-science, politicized, misogynist, violent and control-freak clergy who abused religion for power. Um. The Catholic clergy, that is. Not us. Clearly, we are none of those things. Clearly.
11) Remember how I said earlier that ‘laadheenee’ doesn’t mean atheist or non-Muslim? Just kidding. It totally means atheistic. It literally means there is no God.
12) Unlike shitty, nonsensical religions like Christianity, Islam doesn’t contradict Science. Except when science is just flat-out wrong. Also, this is probably entirely unlike anything that the clergy might have said just before they imprisoned Galileo.
13) For further clarifications, please read the book ‘Islam and Secularism’ by the “famous” mufakkir Al-Allama Salman bin Fahdhu Al Audha, whose name when you google, returns you exactly zero results.
This book he allegedly wrote might not even exist. But I’m going to spend the next page quoting him anyway.
Here’s one favourite bit:
“They restrict Islam to the mosque and the prayer room. Everything else is to be governed without resort to Islamic Law. This is outright polytheism”(!)
14) Finally! Back to allegations! MDP is openly laadhenee! Nasheed is openly laadheenee! He is so laadheenee, he handed over the entire responsibility of running the religious affairs of the country to this sinister band of Christian heretics known as the Adhaalath Par- wait. that’s us.
15) Proof that Nasheed is laadheenee:
- The Conservative Party in the UK funded MDP’s campaign in 2008. They expressed concern that the new constitution deprived non-Muslims of all rights.They also highlighted that this would effectively disenfranchise 3000 Maldivians and deny them rights explicitly granted in the Qur’an. This also directly contravenes explicit command of the Prophet to protect minorities in Muslim lands and respect their freedoms as mentioned in a covenant with the prophet’s seal on it, to be deemed valid by all Muslims to the end of time.Er… and therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- Nasheed publicly said he will protect religious unity and not allow other religions to take root in the Maldives. This is clearly a devious trick employed by secularists to detract from their hidden agenda. Incidentally, this is why we in the Adhaalath party also pretend to be Muslims while we secretly plot to convert people to the path of their true lord Jesu- wait. I might have spoken too much.
- These people on twitter made fun of us:
…therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- Gogo Latheef took us to Foodbank, and told us that Nasheed once told the British ambassador that he wants to get rid of mullahs and bring in religious freedom.Also. Foodbank has terrible service sometimes. We waited over ten minutes for the menu. I don’t know why I mentioned Foodbank. It seemed very important at the time.
- MDP’s initial constitution draft promised to not discriminate against anyone on grounds of language, region or beliefs. No discrimination?! How awful.
- In 2008, candidate Nasheed told Al Jazeera that extremism was being preached in schools and that he would put an end to it. This reduces the number of future terrorists and/or Adhaalath party members, and thus clearly makes Nasheed laadheenee.
- Maldives opened a consulate in Salisbury, therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- Fareesha Abdulla of Maldives Culture website which was banned by Maumoon eventually worked in the President’s Office, therefore Nasheed is laadheenee
- David Hardingham wants to blow up the Islamic Center in Male’, and build a Church there. He also presumably wants to eat little babies raw. What a dick.
- Hilath was arrested by Nasheed’s government and put in prison after he got attacked at a protest while demanding religious freedom. Therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- A wall in Arabiyya school collapsed. Therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- Nasheed doesn’t get off on killing and murder and capital punishment. Therefore Nasheed is laadhenee.
- Nasheed wanted to teach children about the Holocaust – one of the great humanitarian crimes of the past century. Therefore Nasheed is laadhenee.
- In his weekly radio address, Nasheed mentioned that some people complained about Mullahs’ ranting about heaven and hell. He suggested they air their complaints against it. This makes Nasheed laadheenee.
- Nasheed’s government wasted millions in public funds on bringing in that twisted, evil idiot Zakir Naik to Maldives, organizing and hyping up a large public event, showing it on prime time television and telecasting it across the nation.Then one man showed up and confessed that he is not a Muslim, and therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- DO Sappe put up a cartoon depicting hell. This makes Nasheed laadheenee. Wait. Doesn’t DO Sappe’ support our guy Gasim? Fuck.
- Nasheed secured funds from Germans to help strengthen the country’s Justice System. This makes Nasheed laadheenee.
- Some Science Society guys tried to peddle science to our school children in violation of Islam. Please note what we said earlier about there being no conflict between science and Islam. Science is wrong, therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
- DJ Majeed said Nasheed is laadheenee.
- Nasheed was concerned about lack of freedoms for non-Muslim foreign residents in the Maldives and asked for Islamic scholar’s opinions on arranging for them to worship. This makes him especially laadheenee.
- SAARC Monuments. Pillay. Yadda Yadda.
- President Nasheed met the President of Iceland, who happens to be an openly gay lady. This makes him laadheenee.Also, here is a picture of me with George Galloway.
- Galloway, the man for whom I, Dr Mauroof, strongly express admiration on twitter, also sometimes looks like this:
You know what. We could go on doing this forever.
Dr Mauroof however does hit the nail on the head when he says secularism was a highly sensible, reasonable response of ordinary, poor people to free themselves from the tyranny of the anti-Science, anti-progress clergy.
Secular Europe broke away from the shackles of the Church and adopted the path of modernity, egalitarianism and humane laws. It leaped ahead to the forefront of Science, technology and currently tops all human development indices.
Today, Muslims sort of find themselves in the same situation as those oppressed people from long ago. The modern wahhabis, salafists and other ‘true Muslims’ total contribution to science, progress or contribution to Muslim’s welfare in the last 300 years can be listed down on a pin head.
In the absence of any contribution they have ever made for Muslim welfare, these ignorant mullahs – including Dr Mauroof – have chosen instead to paint a paranoid world where Jews and Zionists and Christians are constantly trying to bomb your mosques and steal your religion and nuke your children.
Such a hollow, intellectually and morally bankrupt ideology peddled today as Islam is exactly why today Muslims have to migrate to Western nations to enjoy any modicum of quality education or justice or freedom or stability, and not the other way around as Dr Mauroof clearly imagines in his head.
And this is why today it is necessary to discard the Adhaalath Party and their brand of hollow, empty and useless rhetoric. If an ‘enemy of Islam’ can be defined as a group of people who go out of their way to keep Muslims ignorant, poor, uneducated, backward and suffering for all time – then there are no greater enemies of Islam today than the Wahhabis and Salafists, represented in the Maldives by groups like the Adhaalath Party.
If ‘laadheenee’ were to mean ‘secular’, then I am proudly laadheenee and you should be too.
The Maldivian population is slowly, but definitely, awakening to the benefits of secular politics. This is precisely why over 95,000 Maldivians voted for Nasheed – a man who has consistently harped on development and real world policies, instead of employing empty hateful rhetoric at his opponents.
And Mauroof’s inability to come to terms with this fact is what makes me happy today.